Like a penny with a hole in it…
I hope y’all know what song (and sound track) that is from but this post isnt to be judgey….
God bless group chats. The right group chats keep you sane. Majority of the time they are pure jokes, but ever so often you get that moment where you remember the core reason why these funny weirdos are your friends. Pass the memes, pass the tiktok videos, pass the gifs. You have a serious conversation and open up to a level of vulnerability that reminds you that this is your community.
A few months back my group chat that has the title Crackhead in the name ( should tell you how unserious we are ) were talking about relationships and it was said (since I am the only single person in it) that I should remain hopeful because my person is out there. Not in a negative or dismissive way at all. It was genuine and optimistic for me. And very Capricorn fashion I shut that statement down. I said “sometimes I feel like that hope leads to greater disappointment. It’s very real that some people never have a person ”. It was such a dreary thing to say but I meant it wholeheartedly. I was one of those people who used to say “no expectations, no disappointment” - very trauma response ass statement but I digress. At that moment, I saw hope as nothing but counter productive.
I usually dont write things in real time. I give months or even years before I write and/or publish, not because I want to be fake or create an illusion that my life is perfect, but because the way my vulnerability is set up, I need to come to terms with what happened before I can share so I can control my emotions and reactions. But to be very open, the last few months of 2023 sent your girl on a wild roller coaster ride. The month of December especially took me down a spiral and I spent most of those 31 days fighting my way out of a deep depression. I had been disappointed so many times in Q4, financially, romantically, professionally and physically that I inevitably took a hit mentally and emotionally. Having hope for anything felt like I was setting myself up for failure. Hope seemed like a luxury that I could not afford and I did not want to do that to myself.
Before the group chat exchange had even happened, I made a promise to myself to get closer to God. Regardless of what I'm going through, I try to praise through pain. I'm grateful when things are good and I'm grateful when things are bad because I know they'll be good again. I started reading my devotional daily again, I started doing Bible plans and bible study again. My prayers became more intentional and more frequent. One day while reading my devotional, the following popped up
Now this was almost a month after that the group chat conversation about hope causing more disappointment and it brought me right back to there. I was about two weeks into December and this statement made me reflect and realize that a lot of the negative thinking that has started to cloud my mind started around ththe time I lost hope. That the saddest that I have been was because I had no expectation of anything good coming my way. I had nothing to look forward to. I immediately prayed for forgiveness and asked God to restore my hope. The next few weeks, I devoted myself to hope and regaining it. I no longer saw it as a luxury but a necessity to my livelihood. I started to remember the things that not only brought me joy, love, and safety, but made me feel hopeful.
Hope: /hōp/
Noun
- a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
verb
- want something to happen or be the case.
If you have been here for a while, you know that I used to have a blog focused solely on inspiration. Finding the things that motivated us to keep going. Things that inspired us to create. To live. And I realize that hope was in the root of all of that. Those might have been my happiest days. I was rooted in the fact that things could, and were going to get better. Now my hope is few and far between. I might get hopeful for a job interview or a date, but even then I talk myself down. Snatching myself out of the land of delusion, and making sure I am firmly planted in reality. The thing is, reality and negativity have a very thin line separating them. Realism can turn into pessimism with one complaint or negative thought too much. When I realized that I had spent more time on my couch, rewatching my comfort shows that I had been productive, seeing my family, loving up on Ginger, talking to God… I knew something had to change. I needed hope back.
The nerd in me saw that above devotional and went on a deep dive. I wanted to know more about hope and God and came across this: Depending on the version, hope is mentioned in the bible between 133 to 244 times. When I read that, only one thing came to my mind; When there is no hope, there is no God. I was not and will never be prepared to live a life without God.
I promised myself I would give myself grace to feel my emotions (cause my moon is a Cancer and fighting my emotions has cause some of my biggest mental downfalls), but I was leaving my pessimistic ways in 2023 and bringing 2024 hopeful of what was to come, even if I didn't know what it was, because I think that was the issue. My hope has always been rooted on a clear path.
Im hopeful about a job
I was hopeful about a promotion.
Im hopeful about a man very dumb of me but this ain't a post about that
I was hopeful about getting a new *Insert something materialistic here*
We talk about blind faith but never blind hope. How can you be excited about something you have no clue about? And that's where God comes back into the hope equation for me. We have faith and HOPE in our higher power that the plan that is set forth for us is going to be so good, we have no choice but to be excited about what's in store. I lost that for myself. I had it for everyone around me that I loved but for me. I'm sure there is a conversation about loving yourself and worthiness in there but me and my therapist are already working on that so I'll stay focused here.
I had already pulled myself out of despair by January 1st and was feeling thankful and rooted in gratitude and have been carrying that since. It's kept me productive, motivated, vulnerable, but most of all happy. It was definitely not a magic fix to all my problems because baby they are still there. In the last 6 weeks I have been passed over for what I would have thought was a perfect job for me at a dream company, have had my car broken into on NYE and ransacked, went to a dear cousins funeral the day after my birthday, started this year with no income/job in sight, have had a medical procedure that set back some of my physical goals, had to come to be honest with myself about someone I love that doesn't put the same effort in back into our relationship - (not a romantic one), shit - not having a romantic relationship, pack up my home of 3 years to move back in with my mother, receive countless rejection emails for positions I've applied for, miss many events because of limited funds, and even cancel a trip I had celebrating a close friends upcoming wedding. Im sure i am even missing some stuff but life has had me in the same chokehold Melvin put Jody in.
for reference
The main thing that has kept me in a good place mentally is hope. I've have been better but I know God will make me better again. I don't know how, I don't know when, but I know why, and I'm hopeful. So i threw on Cleo Sol’s Gold album and sat down and wrote this to remind everyone, including myself that “Things will get better…”
“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31 NIV.