One Time For The Birthday Bitch…
“You downplayed your birthday.”
I read it and knew he was right. I hate to admit it (so I didn’t… at first - God still working on me) but he had a point. I did. I wanted to do something, but I didn't have the capacity to think. I was tired. Tired from work, tired from not sitting still, tired of planning how to celebrate myself. For once I wanted the initiative to be taken to celebrate me, not because I asked them to, but because someone or someones were so excited about me in their life, they just DID. I had an inkling of a plan, and cancelled it because the thought of planning in the mental space I was in felt like an anxiety attack waiting to happen. And after months of not having one, I had one 3 days before my birthday, while driving. It was so scary, it almost felt like the first time. I was drained. I was recovering from a flu. I was emotional. I was happy to be alive and blessed by all I had but I was overwhelmed by it. He asked me if I was sure twice I wasn't going to execute the plan, and I said no… “I was too tired to plan anything”. So when my birthday came, I said all I wanted was flowers, champagne and crab legs. And, honestly, it is all I wanted, but like… with my favorite people. I guess I should have added that part.
The flowers came, the champagne came, the Cashapps for dinner and my personal massage came. And I stood in my apartment amongst it all, and realized… I was alone and these things were great but the thing I missed the most was the energy that came from the people who sent it.
“You downplayed your birthday”
We spoke early on my birthday. I still got mad excited when he called, so in my head, this was setting the tone to an amazing but chill birthday. On our convo, I was wondering when he was gonna say what time he was coming over, because obviously, it's the first time either one celebrated a birthday since we've met and been doing whatever the fuck we was doing, so why would he NOT be coming over. Spoiler alert, he ain't come over. But, he didn't come over cause he had work, and being the Capricorn I am, I completely understood, truly. I was still sad but I wasn't mad. “I'll just see him over the weekend” obviously cause why would I NOT see him… Spoiler, alert - well I think you get where this is going.
On Friday he asked what I was doing, so I knew (I got to stop being so damn sure) he was asking cause he was coming by, bringing dinner for two, so we can spend some time with each other. Nope, he was just curious about my plans...
I…. I just…. I was in shock. I had just finished reading Attached, and it told the reader to be “emotionally brave”. If you've been on this site for some time, you know vulnerability and transparency are not my strong suits, but I really liked this one, so I was willing to try to keep him around in a healthy and communicative way. I told him in the gentlest tone I had via text that I was a bit disappointed I wasn't seeing him at all the week of my birthday. I assumed he’d realize how crazy it was he made no plans to at the very least SEE me, even if it was just sitting in my house together, AT ALL for the week… Y'all know the saying about when you ASSume? Yeah…
“You downplayed your birthday”
One of the things I l*ved (I couldn't bring myself to type it. Bear with me yall) about him was his blunt, unfiltered honesty. But now, it was directed straight at me, so like wait…. hold TF up.
I immediately told him I didnt, and that he was reacting when I was trying to be open, which I 100% believed, but as we continued to text, the words literally rang in my ears, and I knew he was right. Cause though, like he wasn't completely innocent in this situation, he wasn't the only one who wasn't there. I was ALONE eating crab legs on my floor, alone. I'm not at a loss for friends, and no one made a plan to come over, ask if I had plans. None made a drive by. No extremely intentional gifts come through. No cute pandemic video montage of people's favorite memories of me. No zoom calls.
*Let me put this disclaimer that I am not trying in ANY way to shade my friends. I adore them and am thankful for them everyday. Not only do I know they love me, they show me. They gave me exactly what EYE asked for, and that is the problem. Me, I'm the problem*
At first, I thought I came to the realization that I was putting something out there. Something that said “I didn't want or need these things,” so I didn’t get them. I racked my brain for days, wondering what about me makes people not want to go a little extra mile for me. I just wanted a little appreciation, especially on my birthday. Why wasn't I a priority for the people I loved the most? Why weren’t they excited about me in their life? And then I had to stop and have the REAL realization I was playing a fucking victim. At this big ass age. I was kinda embarrassed. I wanted people to read my mind ( and honestly still do but progress is a slow process). I wanted my friends to just know what I needed when I was saying the opposite. “All I wanted was flowers, champagne and crab legs.” Which I did, but I got JUST that. The universe provides but I wrote a long time ago “The universe doesn't know when you're being serious or kidding” and I still don't know why I don't listen to myself more. The universe provided. And here I was mad I got what I asked for. Like a big ass dummy.
*Let me put this disclaimer that I am not trying in ANY way to shade my friends. I adore them and am thankful for them everyday. Not only do I know they love me, they show me. They gave me exactly what EYE asked for, and that is the problem. Me, I'm the problem*
At first, I thought I came to the realization that I was putting something out there. Something that said “I didn't want or need these things,” so I didn’t get them. I racked my brain for days, wondering what about me makes people not want to go a little extra mile for me. I just wanted a little appreciation, especially on my birthday. Why wasn't I a priority for the people I loved the most? Why weren’t they excited about me in their life? And then I had to stop and have the REAL realization I was playing a fucking victim. At this big ass age. I was kinda embarrassed. I wanted people to read my mind ( and honestly still do but progress is a slow process). I wanted my friends to just know what I needed when I was saying the opposite. “All I wanted was flowers, champagne and crab legs.” Which I did, but I got JUST that. The universe provides but I wrote a long time ago “The universe doesn't know when you're being serious or kidding” and I still don't know why I don't listen to myself more. The universe provided. And here I was mad I got what I asked for. Like a big ass dummy.