One Is The Lonliest Number…
My therapists asked if i could sum up 2021 in one word, what would it be? Without thinking, I looked her in the eyes via my computer screen and said… lonely.
This year was lonely. More lonely than the height of the pandemic. More lonely than the quiet nights I mourned loved ones who passed, and lovers from the past. This year was the first time i yearned for company. For someone to remember Sioban who lives in Yonkers and check on her. Come see her. Love up on her. And truly, I think the loneliness of 2021 was the result of years not expressing needs, not be vulnerable, not vocalizing that I need some love from the people I love. For years of my favorite phrase being “no, its fine.” Even if was fine, I could have been more receptive. I set the standards for the people in my life and now I was sitting in the consequences of my decisions. Lonely.
And before y’all come in here saying there is a difference between being lonely and alone, I know. I’ve been both. I know the difference. Thank you.
And before y’all come here thinking this is about a man… don’t.
I’m used to alone. I like alone. Sitting in my apartment, free to do whatever. No real accountability to anyone. I thrive in alone (to a point). But lonely… lonely was a result of depression I was ignoring. Conversations I purposely been avoiding with my therapists. Lonely made me question my whole existence. Lonely made me question if my friends still fucked with me. Lonely made me wonder if I was still attractive or worthy of a partner. Lonely took everything personal. Lonely made me narcissistic. Lonely made me a victim. Lonely made me welcome people into my space that didn’t deserve to be there. lonely made me force myself to go places I didn’t want to because it felt like the only remedy. Being lonely was tarnishing the necessity of being alone. Lonely stopped me from writing this for weeks.
The thing I hated loneliness the most for is that it made me isolate myself. Loneliness convinced me I’m lonely because no one wanted me around. So I fell back. Reached out less. Engaged less. I felt like a bother to people, so I stayed in my house with my dog (who clearly God sent to me cause I don’t know how much more lonely I’d be without that lunatic) until people reached out to me. Making me feel wanted and missed and loved, but probably making them feel like they always had to be the one to initiate.
At some point, I was in my apartment, crying, wondering how I got here. Wondering if loneliness was my new normal. Wondering if I’d ever feel like myself again. Then I realize that I needed start addressing the things, first and foremost the depression that was always by my side like an overprotective boyfriend. Buying all the plants, and dogs, and amazing items in the world wasn’t going to fulfill the lonely because it was just a branch on the root of depression. And I needed to do some mother fucking gardening.
Am I completely healed? No, Is anyone? Healing is a constant cycle to me causes something is always going to be going on. something is always going to hurt me (I’m an emo thug), but I’m actively trying. And the loneliness has slowly started to break away. And as I started to plan for 37, I wanted to be with family and friends but I knew would be a Band-aid to the loneliness. I had to remember what loving ALONE felt like. Go where rest feels complete and my heart feels full. Going alone to Antigua my birthday was a deliberate choice to remind myself to not let lonely ruin alone for me. When I walked onto the plane, I teared up as I settled into business class *insert emoji nails here *, not with sadness or anxiety. But with excitement and happiness. With pride that I’m giving myself what I deserve.
So as I send love from this plane, don’t let lonely change you are. Find your alone. Grow in alone. Alone is where you learn yourself. Where you realize all the bad things you perceive about life are false, and the narcissistic perfection you think about yourself is far from true. Alone is where you fall in love with yourself, even though imperfect. Alone is where I discovered the word I am manifesting for 2022.
Deserving.
Love you.
Sio